


Make me Happy; Bo Burnham fanfiction

by Swimming_on_land



Category: Left Brain Right Brain - Bo Burnham (Song)
Genre: F/M, I also don't know how to tag, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, bo burnham - Freeform, i'm just the worst there ever was, like extreme shit, pusseh, read with caution, this is a first shit story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-09-25 11:29:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9818426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swimming_on_land/pseuds/Swimming_on_land
Summary: Rose, an everyday author that had just hit a great spot in her career, why not celebrate it over a cup of coffee at her favorite cafe?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This part has gotten deleted 4 times, and I want to kill myself, thank bo for telling me all the ways I can.

I walked into the coffee shop, going through the same thing of spending about 3 dollars on coffee thst I just can't live without. With all the money I've spent on coffee, I probably could have bought a coffee machine for my apartment.

Anyway, I sat down at my usual table, knowing Travis is going to make the same thing I always take, I stayed seated, seeing the sun slowly set outside.

Why am I drinking coffee at sunset? Because I have to finish a few chapters of a book I've been pushing off, and my publishers are getting on my back.

"Hey Rose," he set the coffee down on the Taber I was siting at, "the coffee is one the house, for a congratulation on your book sales."

I smiled at him, " Well if I don't have to pay for the coffee you might as well have this tip," I handed him five dollars, putting it into the front pocket of his uniform, and he smiked at me. Walking away, I saw him start cleaning thr machine, and I grabbed onto my laptop, pulling into a word document, staring at the words in front of me.

Who would have thought that a girl who has bombed her past relationships was partly famous for writing love stories, but hey I guess everyone is a little bit lonely. I started typing, it might sound forced, but I didn't care at this point, I knew I would need to re write it, but I just was tired at this point, and I knew if the coffee didn't cool down so I was going to not burn my taste buds off, I will not become angry rose.

I heard the bell ring, with some teenage girls walking inside the shop, and started talking, I only was able to pick up a few things.

"He looked perfect."

"He had an angels voice."

"I'd do him."

I giggled slightly at the last one, they were probably around 16, but I won't judge.

They sat down at the largest table on back. The only one with more than two seats, it was like this coffee shop that was made for awkward first dates (foreshadowing).

I heard the bell ring once again, I tall, thin man walked inside the shop, racing past me, and sitting down quickly, not looking totally up, but it wasn't really my business.

I saw the girl all stare in his direction in awe, I glimpsed up for a section, looking at them, and giving a questioning look.

One got up, and they were like a trail of ants, one following one, and slowly walked up to him, probably curious. He looked up, and the first one started screaming, loud enough to probably break the giant glass windows.

Travis walked up to them, and held up the company phone, "if you don't leave the poor man alone, so I can get hin his coffee, I'm going to call the police."

The girl stopped, grimaced for a secomd before making some snarky remark, I didn't pick it up, but it caused him to stop in his tracks, and give her the dirtiest look.

"I'll just leave," he man had a really calming voice, and started walking away, but he walked to close to my table, and spilled my coffee all over myself. I would have been mostly alright with it, I mean I look ready for a funeral, but the coffee was hot. Hot coffee across my entire lap, I got up, and yelped at the hot liquid thay was currently burning my skin.

"I'm so so sorry," I heard him say, I went to tell him it's play, until I heard Travis screaming, "get out," to the girls.

They all slowly walked out, probably afraid somebody was going to get in serious trouble, but didn't leave without a mixture of salty remarks.

"I'm so sorry about spilling burn coffee on you," he said again, grabbing a few napkins, and handing it to me, "I'm such an idiot."

"Look I'll fog I've you," I started, "if you tell me who you are."

"You don't know who I am?" He asked me, widened expression.

"No idea, never heard of you before, are you onenof those famous, or are you a fellow peasant like myself?"

"No, my names Bo," he answered, "I'm a signing comedian, and I just finished a show, and I need coffee."

"Yeah well you just spilled my coffee across the lap."

"I'll get you another one," he started.

"You don't have to do that," I started, "I'll just drink my clothes."

Travis walked over, "Well I have coffee left in the pot, and it would be a waste of coffee, and I don't drink it," he said, "so, how about you guys take the rejected coffee, and have a great fun time over it."

I smiked nodding, and he poured the coffee into the two cups, and set them down onto the counter.

"My name is rose," I told him, going to shake his hand.

"Funny," he laughed, "your name is rose, and you have red hair."

"My last name is daisy," I told him, obviously joking.

"Really?"

"No," I answered, "also full name Rosín, but I didn't think you would recognize that name."

"You're right," he smiled, "Well nice to meet you Rosín."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So we got 10 hits, which is a lot, each hit is like a person, and that's ten people, I'll stop now.

"So, what do you do for a living bo?" I asked him, waiting for his response.

"I'm a stand comic," he replied, "and I always sit and slouch."

"Wow," I laughed slightly, this man had a really dry sense of humour, one thag was really funny, "Glad to know your priorities are in place."

"They are, so what do you do" I heard him say, a small chuckle mixed in with that.

"I'm an author," I answered him, and he smiled.

"What kind of books do you write?" He started, "been looking for something to read."

"Just mostly post apocalyptic, stuff like that," I laughed, trying to find my words through my stuttering letters.

"Really, that's an awesome genre, what were you working on, before I scolded you with your coffee?" He asked, I looked down fiddling with my thumbs.

"My second novel mostly, I'm running out ideas," I laughed looking up into his very blue eyes, "writers block."

"I can relate to that," he paused for a second, "we're having the most bring coversation in the history of awkward conversations."

"Sorry if I can't human, I've never been good at that," I said, tucking one of my hairs behind my ear.

"Sorry to interrupt, whatever this is, but we're closing," I heard Travis walk up behind me, stacking some of the chairs.

"Oh, sorry," I grabbed my laptop, "it's been a pleasure Bo."

I throw out my hand for hin to shake it, and he smiled stretching his arms out for a hug. I rolled my eyes, giving into the hug, and I just then realized how tall he was, I was a tall female, but I still just reached his jaw.

We both pulled away, and I smiled, holding mt laptop to my chest.

"Do you know, if I could maybe get your number?" He asked, "it'd be fantastic to be able to text somebody in between shows."

"Yeah, here my phone," I unlocked my phone, and handed it to him, smiling as he typed in a series of numbers.

"Also you don't have to wait those 3 days before texting me, please I'm lonely, and need human interaction," he said handing the phone back to me, "so interact with me monkey."

"Monkey?" I wa shocked, "thanks for using my correct pronouns."

"It's dark outside," he turned, "maybe you need a big strong man to walk you home."

"Travis has closing stuff to do, but thanks for the offer," I giggled.

"My feelings have been hurt," he said putting a hand on his chest, "I feel personally attacked."

"Don't be," I turned towards the window of the setting sun, "I'd love to been walked home."

"Okay, so let's go," he opened the doors, and I walked out, waiting for him to follow.

"So how far away is your place?" He asked.

"What are you?" I asked in my most horrified face, "are you a fucking stalker?"

"Oh shit, you've figured me out, welp time to kill myself now," he looked at the setting sun.

"There it is," I pointed towards mt apartment building, it was on the outskirts of town, and it was a smaller building. 

"Nice, guess this is our official goodbye than," he said, pulling me into another hug. This guy was a hugger, and I wasn't complaining.

"You're really great at hugs, you know that?" I asked him, he pulled away, and his face broke out in a smile.

"I didn't," he replied, "thanks for telling me."


	3. Chapter 3

I shut the door behind me, and I grabbed onto my phone, seeing the contacts still opened on my phone to 'Bo.' I clicked the text message picture, bring up a blank sheet, and a 'type message here' at the bottom. I wasn't really feeling the creative vibe, so I typed a simple, 'monkey,' and waited. The reply was almost instant, with a, 'oh oh ah ah.' 

Plopping myself down on the couch I hung my legs over the end, and used a throw pillow to rest my head on. 

'I do not need this sarcasm in my life,' is the reply I went with, and I got a simple whatever followed by a, 'might not want to talk to me than. I rolled my eyes, and are long conversations continued, we honestly asked the weirdest questions about each other, making very awkward, but funny answers. 

"Hey, you know how there is a drive in movie theater?" He suddenly asked out of the blue.

"Yeah, you see movies there," I looked down at my laptop, seeing it closed, and the power button on the side lighting up, showing me that I didn't turn it off correctly. 

"Yeah, ya wanna see one," I saw the first text, and another one soon followed after, “like with me.”

“Yeah buddy, let’s go see a movie,” I said, cringing at the use of the word buddy. What was I? A 12 year old girl trying to get the point across that I didn’t want a relationship. It’s not that I wouldn’t date Bo. It’s the whole concept of me making a promise to my brother to tell him that I wasn’t going to get into a serious relationship until I was older.

Now I’m 26, turning 27 this November, and I haven’t been on an actually date. Coming to the publishing company, and asking me to write a book about our relationship, and sex life is not a date. 

I coughed as I came out of my little daze, and look forward seeing my phone having a few messages. Picking up my phone, having the brightness almost blind me, because my dumbass self accidentally pressed the brightness to go all the way up.

“Cool when should I pick you up woman?” I read the text giggling.

“Whenever you want man,” I set my phone seeing the partly blank sheet on my computer, and reading over the words I wrote.

The world before me was burned, and damaged. Everything I once knew came crashing down before me. My family, my friends, and everything I loved was gone. But she stayed, and tried to make me better, make me love again. 

I closed my eyes, rubbing my face with my hands, probably smudging my winged liner in the process. I highlighted everything on my computer, pressing the delete button, and staring at the blank page.

“How about tomorrow?” 

“Yeah, I guess tomorrow would be good.”

“Hey are you alright?” I took a double take on the message, and started typing.

“Not really, but I’m sure I’ll get over it,” I sent the message and within the next minute I got a reply.

“Tell me, maybe I can help,” looking over at the blank page once again.

“You can’t really help me with this,” I told him.

“We could see the midnight movie tonight, and we could talk,’’ he replied. 

“We don’t have to,” I said to him, “but I would like to see you again tonight.”

“Aw, my heart,” I rolled my eyes.

“Fuck you,” I replied back.

“I’ll drive to your house,” I saw a text, “Whats the address?”

“Why? so you can stalk me?” 

“No, I need to know where I’m going.”

~Time skip bitches~

Waiting outside on the stairs in the front of my apartment building, I had my laptop in my hands, my phone, a large blanket, and 20 dollars. Seeing a black car pull up.

“Get in asshole!” I heard a yell, seeing Bo sitting behind the wheel of the car. 

“I will not take this harassment!” I yelled back, walking up, feeling the wind picking up slightly. I opened the car door, make that tried, it was locked. I stared at him, seeing him press the button, and the car made a satisfying pop noise (You know that noise, it’s so nice). I leaned over getting into the car, and I had to push the seat back, a lot.

“To see sexual movies!” He said picking up speed, and driving away.

“But I came here to see kid friendly movies,” I said, using my best child voice I could.

“What do you think they play at midnight?” He asked me.

“Dora, the new season,” I said, keeping a straight face. He let out a small laugh, and his laughter made me smile. 

I felt the car stop, and pulled up to the ticket booth, and I handed the girl the 20 dollars. She nodded, and made a hand motion for us to go threw, she had a big smile on her face, with very calm eyes. 

“Since the movie doesn’t start for another half hour, tell me what wrong,” He pulled the car to a stop, and start tuning the radio station to pick up the movie, or more specifically the music they play before the movie.

I pulling my laptop up, and threw the blanket in the backseat, bring up the blank page. He gave me a confused look, and kept glancing between me and the paper.

“That’s what I have for my new book, and the first copy needs to be to my publisher in 4 months,” I said to him, and he looked slightly less confused, “I have nothing.”

I put my head in my hands, and dragged them down my face. Feeling a large hand being place on my back, and the thumb rubbing circles on my body. 

“It’s going to be okay,” He started, “I’ve been reading your book, you’re a smart girl.”

“Did you just assume my gender?” I asked him, looking up.

“I was trying to be nice,” He said, “Ya know, this just makes me want to be an ass now, screw being a nice guy, they finish last.”

I put my arms around him, hugging his skinny torso, feeling the dashboard press against me in uncomfortable ways, “Keep being nice it suits you.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boop

He started to hug me back, bring me closer to his chest. I smiled feeling his heart beat against my shoulder. 

“You give nice hugs,” I said to him, wiggling my way out of his grip.

“How so?” He asked me, turning the radio down so we could talk.

“You’re thin, and squishy,” I answered him. After I said squishy I saw him smile, and a small amount of pink rose to his cheeks. He laughed, and one his hand to his face covering the pink with his palms.

“I get it, I’m like silly putty be stretched out,” He said, bring his face out of his hands, he no longer looked happy, he looked a little mad to be honest; he started whispering under his breath, and I barely heard him, “what else is new?”

“That’s not a bad thing,” I told him, grabbing onto his forearm, and rubbing my thumb over his arm, “My ex boyfriend worked out every single day, and he ended up going to the gym just to cheat on me.”

“Oh,” we didn’t say much after that. The entire car was quiet except for the music playing quietly, I glanced at the time, and realized that we had about another 25 minutes until the movie started, “If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”

“Not at all, I originally started dating him because he would introduce me to endless people which I hoped would counter my shy personality, but it ended up going bad. You see he was a lot bigger than me, even stronger than me, and could easily overpower me, so I let him leave when be wanted,” I felt his eyes widen slightly, “and he ended up leaving to go to the gym because I wouldn’t put out for him.”

“Oh,” he said, making the situation slightly awkward, “He sounds like a bad man.”

“He was really nice to begin with, and then he,” I stopped, and put my head in my hands, covering my face. I hated that memory, and stopped myself from talking. I felt a hand on my back, pulling me close to him. 

“You don’t have to say anymore,” I felt one warm tear escape, soaked into his shirt. I pulled away seeing a little bit of eyeliner come off with the tear. Dang water line eyeliner. 

“I’m sorry,” I told him.

“Why are you sorry? You did nothing wrong,” He asked me.

“I got makeup on your shirt,” I told him, he looked down, seeing the same black spot. He looked back up, a small smirk forming on his face, bring his hand to my face, and wiping my cheek with his thumb.

“You don’t have to be sorry for that,” he said, I pulled away from his hand. I went to saying something, but the movie was slowly starting. The air was filled with tension, so I turned up the radio, seeing the advertisements slowly start playing, “I’m sorry I must have made you feel awkward. I don’t know how to act around pretty girls.”

“Thanks, but I’m not pretty,” I replied to him, looking over to him to me.

“Bitch?”

“You heard me.”

“How can you think you’re not pretty?” He asked me, and before I could answer, “do you wear glasses?”

“No,” I told him, “You’re seeing me with my makeup on.”

“Well, considering I had a girlfriend who use to cake on foundation, I know what wearing makeup because you’re ugly, and wearing makeup because you think you’re ugly,” He said to me, “and you think you’re ugly.”

“That’s just you’re opinion,” I told him, “Be careful with opinions.” (le reference).

“Opinions over facts bitch,” he said, and I turned up, watching the movie slowly start. I looked over seeing him motion over to the door. I saw him open his door, seeing him walk behind to the back seat, and I slowly followed.

We opened the back doors, plopping down in the back seats, “Why did we do this?”

“Because,” he pushed his hand forward dropping the driver seat, “I’m freakishly tall, and I sit back here when I see movies.”

I saw him plop his legs up on the seat stretching his body out, and I rested my legs over his, reaching over to the seat. I plopped it down, and I left my legs over his lap. 

“Hey Bo?” I convoked his name out.

“Yeah?”

“What’s your real name? Or did you parents actually think Bo was a good name?” I asked him.

“My real name is Robert,” He answered, “but Bob doesn’t really fit me. Don’t you think Bo fits me?” 

“Surprisingly it really does,” I said, “those brown eyebrows with the blind hair suits you too.”

“That ginger hair with the brown eyebrows suit you too,” I giggled slightly.

“Would you believe I don’t own eyebrow makeup?” I asked him.

“I didn't know people drew on their eyebrows,” he said, glancing down at me, “Is this a thing?”

“Yeah,” I realized neither of us was watching the movie, and I pointed up, “If I brought some alcohol we could have had a drinking contest with this game.”

“You do realize I have to drive after this,” He started, “and people die from drinking, and driving.”

“Why did you think I offered it?” I asked him, and he rolled him eyes.

“You can’t die on me,” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, bringing me closer to him.

~Time skip bitches~

Part way through the movie, and a sex scene was playing. 

“This scene would be better with some anal pasta,” I told him, “ya know?”

“Is that was the kids are into now a days?” He asked.

“Hey I’m not a kid,” I looked at him, “I’m a lady.”

I dropped my voice an octave reaching a deeper, therefore manlier voice, and he started laughing, his laugh going high pitch. 

I heard a phone start buzzing, and I saw it in the drink holder. He reached up, and I saw the Mom written across the screen. He declined the call, setting the phone back down.

“Was that your girlfriend?” I asked him, he probably knew I saw the screen. Pulling the weirdest he could possibly pull.

“That was my mom, she’s awesome,” He started, “don’t say anything about me declining her call, I usually don’t do that.”

“Naw, mother son love,” He gripped my chest, “My heart.”

He pulled my close kissing me on the forehead, “my mother is short like you.”

“Bitch I’m like 5’10”

“I’m 6’6” get on my level bitch!” 

I giggled slightly, putting my head in my hands to muffle the laugh, “Let’s just get back to watching the movie.”

“Whatever to want.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had to type this on a phone.

I felt my eyelids get heavier, as my head feel down his shoulder onto hid chest. I heard the soft heartbeat, coupled with the rise, and fall of his chest. 

Moving closer to him to get into a more comfortable position, I heard the heart beat quicken slightly. 

"Are you okay?" I asked him, waking up slightly.

"Yeah I'm fine," he said, rubbing his face with his hands. I glanced over at the car clock, 12:34.

"Its getting late, I told him," he nodded.

"Yeah, the movie should almost be over," he said, straightening hid back out, sitting up, "what are you going to do about the book?" 

"It's don't really know," I answered, "the only thing u know is which genre I want to write in."

He tilted hod head to the side, looking confused as he waited for my answer, "which one?"

"Straight up romance," I told him, "but I haven't had a good serious adult relationship."

"So...." he continued waiting for my response.

"I don't think it would be realistic," I told him, "I feel like it would all just be a major cliché."

"I'm reading your book," he said, "you made me believe Russia, and China actually went into nuclear war with us. That takes skill."

"Yeah, but I can imagine those actions being taken place, the only part of a healthy relationship I can imagine is the beginning." I started a rant, "I've never been good with the rest."

"A pretty girl like you had to be a major Heartbreaker I'm highschool," he started, "write about that."

"I made a promise to ny brother to not get into serious relationships in highschool," I told him.

"Why?" He asked, eyebrows going down.

"Guess he wanted me to wait until I was older, didn't help, first guy that asked me out I said yes to," I started, "a random guy who spilled coffee on me I said yes to giving him my phone number the same day."

"Is the second guy meeeeee?" He asked, causing me to roll my eyes.

"Anyway, I don't know how men would act in that situation," I explained, causing a light bulb to go off in my head, "you're my friend, right?"

"Right."

"Teach me the ways," I started, "of the force."

I chuckled slightly at my star wars reference, "yeah, we can bond over star wars and batman."

"So, will you do it?" I asked him.

"If you feed me food I will," he started.

"Hearing music playing, I looked up to see the credits rolling, and he started again, "Let me take you home."

I saw his phone start to buzz again, looking to see him mum calling him again, thus tike he answered it. To not be nosy I moved up front as he walked around the car.

"Yeah, mum," he said, "I'm at the movies that why I'm still awake. Yeah, with a girl, but not like that. Yes, she's pretty," he glanced at me, "no I'm not dating her. Okay, okay, bye, love you."

"It's your mummy," I said making my accent come through.

"Yeah, she's awesome," he said, turning the key, and I heard the engine turn on.

"Says the guy who declined her call," I started, "making her wait till almost 1 am to talk to her dear baby boy."

"You done?" Bo asked.

"Yeah," I said as he started to pull out, turning onto the road. The stars came out really good that night.

"Why did you move to LA?" He asked.

"I won prom queen and thought it would be a good idea," I started, "really just wanted to get closer to my publisher."

"That makes sense," he nodded.

"Why did you move? And where you from?"

"I'm from a town outside Boston, and comedy," he said, "I was the kid in the ehdroom that's now proforming on stage."

"Sounds like a cliché success story," I said, "not that mine was any better."

"What was yours?" He asked.

"Girl in abusive relationship used writing as an escape, and somehow made it big."

"Aren't we just a couple of clichés," he said pulling front of my apartment building.

"What's you're full name?" I asked, "I'm going to look you up on the internet."

"Bo Burnham," he started, "and I really burn 'em."

"Okay," I giggled at the small joke, "you seem like a good comedy, definently going to stalk you."

"Goodnight, Rosín," he said rolling up the window.

"Goodnight, Bo."


	6. Chapter 6

I walked into my apartment, a smile on my face as I walked down my hallway flopping down on my bed face first. The memories of tonight played back in my head, causing an even bigger grin to spread across my face. Flipping over, and glancing up at my laptop, I thought for a moment. I could write about a what's going on now instead, I could write about whatever Bo and I have. Would that make a good story?

I sat up, grabbing my laptop, and I set it down on my lap. Opening a new wordpad, I clicked my mouse on it, my mind wondering on how to start this.....whatever it is. 

"I started reading my book, flipping through the pages as this horror story intrigued me. Not paying attention I felt an extremely hot liquid fall onto my lap. Getting up in shear panic as I was startled by the liquid that was currently burning me, I glanced up. I saw a tall man heaved over the chair with the coffee cup empty, and open with hot coffee spilled all over the table."

I continued writing about how the day went on, and I stopped dead in my tracks. Biting my lip I read over what I had written, taking in the plot, how it was going, and the characters. The characters were just like us, the plot was just like our day. I may not want to admit it, but I'm so desperate I'll pretty much write about anything. I set it aside, finally finished on how today went. My eyelids heavy, and my mind set at ease. In the clothes I wore today, I laid back in my bed, cat on chest, and I passed out. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up, some makeup rubbing off my face onto my pillow, and my hand, basically everywhere. I grabbed onto my phone, which my cat was RUDELY laying on top. I saw it was a little past 11 (my normal wakeup time), and I had one new text message from Bo. Putting in my password I opened the text, "hey so I have one more day here, and I wanted to knowing you want to do something today. Anything really, I just want some good memories before I'm sent off being booked for shows."

I smiled slightly, "Yeah, I would love to, maybe we can go ice skating at the indoor skating rink?"

I set my phone down, and plugged it in, considering it was only at like 10%, and I was going to get some food. Opening the basically everything in my kitchen, I decided to eat cake, the healthiest of options, I know. 

Walking upstairs I checked on my phone to see a text back, and surprisingly there was. 

"Yeah, that sounds really good, what time?"

Checking the time stamp it was a minute ago, so I messaged back as fast as I could, "what time would be good for you?"

"Does the place rent skates?"

"You can just borrow skates from my brother, you guys are about the same height, and probably similar shoe sizes," 

"Oh okay, how about two hours from now?"

"That sounds good see you then."

I pressed the home button on my phone, and brought up my brothers contract. I know he's going to ask a lot of questions, and I mean a lot of questions. I braced myself as a pressed the call button, hearing the ringer sound.

After a couple rings he picked up, "Hey Rosin, what's up?"

"Hey Sean, I just wanted to ask if I could borrow your ice skates?"

"Why?"

"Because I have a friend who could borrow them?"

"What kind of girl has that big of feet?"

"It's not a girl, it's a guy."

"Wait, do you have another boyfriend?"

"No, it's a friend,"

"Alright, but I expect to meet this guy at some point,"

"Okay, Dad."

I hung up, grabbing my car keys, ready to pick up the skates from him. I remember how we use to skate all the time when we were kids, but as both of us decided to move to LA (Still suspicious about that lining up) we would only do it very sparingly. 

My plan was to walk in, grab them, walk out. It would save the awkwardness.

 

Knocking the door, I checked the time, I had one hour to grab them, and get to the skating rink. He opened the door, leaning down so he fit under the doorway, skates in hand. He sort of forces a smile handing them to me.

"Thank you, love you bye!" I ran off to my car, knowing I could make it there with some extra time to skate alone. It wasn't that I don't like when people skate with me, it's just that I've been skating since I was young, and not a lot of people hear are good at it. I pulled into the empty parking lot, and walk into the community ice skating rink. Open the big door, being blasted with the cold air. Gotta love those tax payers.

Lacing up my skates before I stood up walking over to the ice, gliding on one skate slowly picking up speed.

"Hey!" I heard it echo throughout the metal building, causing my head to snap over to a tall skinny figure.


	7. Chapter 7; The skatening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know I was going to write a normal chapter summary, but then I remembered this woman had two vagina's and I started laughing. Can she like take two guys at once? Which one would a baby come out of? Which one would the penus go in? Dual wielding dildos? Dual wielding vibrators? You put both hands in, take both hands out, and you shake it all about, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about.

I slide up to the side of the rink, fiddling (cue violin) with the door latch to try to release the door. Finally the old rusted door swung open hitting Freezeturkey in the knees.

"Rude," He said, trying to gain his balance again. I giggled slightly walking over to my bag (did I say she had a bag? She has a bag), and pulling out a size 16 Ice Skate (idk what shoe size he wears, but my uncle is 6'7" and he wears like a size 16, or a canoe as I say. Educated guess motherfuckers). 

"Here's your canoes, my lady," I got down on one knee in a bowing position holding up the skates. He gasped as feminine as he could grabbing the skates, and prancing off to a bench. I'm glad we're the only fuckfaces here, because we'd be getting some looks right now. He started lacing up the shoes, and I just noticed how thin his legs are. He's like a twig, and it's adorable. 

He got done lacing, and I was just standing on the rubber mats CHILLING (I'm hilarious), and he spoke thus, "I have no idea how to ice skate."

"We gonna learn today," I told her opening the gate, "how's your balance?"

"I'm like a Giraffe on ice."

"Fantastic, this is gonna be fun for me," I saw stepping onto the ice, and holding the door open for him. He stood up, and instantaneously put his knees together to try to keep his balance on the .6 inch blades, "Don't put your knees together, just walk normally."

He nodded, doing his best to keep balance, and finally stepped onto the ice, "Is cold."

"Is ice."

"So, how do I go forward?" I put my hands on his mid back, giving him a slight push, making him move forward slightly.

"Push your toes out on the ice," I said slowly starting to move.

~Ice skating 101 with Swimming_on_land (I came up with the username before I got into mahnurbob)~

He did that, but face planted about 6.87639472 seconds later (I like to be specific). 

"Can I go home?" He said still laying on the ice, "I don't want to start shows with a busted face."

"Honey, we didn't need to go ice skating for your face to be busted," I said going to help him up.

"At least I'm not a ginger."

"At least I'm not a twig."

"At least I have a penis."

"What did a penis have to do with any of this?"

"I don't know, I was losing and had to pull shit out of my ass."

"Why are we laying on the ice?" I asked, he shrugged attempting to get up. Which he succeeded, but he death gripped the side slowly sliding back to the exit. 

"Do a jump!" He yelled from one of the benches he was now sitting on, and I slowly got up from the ice.

"I'm not talented, so is going to suck," I slowly started to pick up speed, before doing a really basic jump, "We were born to make history." (Who ever got that reference hopefully had their day made).

"You suck!' I heard him yell, which made be slide over to the exit, getting out of the rink.

"Honey, you could learn I do so much more," I did my double chin wink, before sitting next to him Starting to unlace, "So, what's it like to be a comedian?"

"What's it like to be an author?"

"Don't deflect my question, Mr. Author of Egghead," I said, he turned to me.

"How'd you find out?"

"Do you really think I didn't internet stalk you?" I asked him, "like what do you think I am? A person who learns about someone else through actually talking to them."

"Fine, it's quite stressful," he started, "so many people put so much pressure on you to be funny, and always be coming up with new ideas."

"Do you ever get a break?" I asked.

"I spend my free time with my dog."

"I knew I was a bitch, but..." I started.

He took out his phone showing me a picture of a beautiful wire mutt (I don't know what breed Bruce is), who was in a tiny fanny pack.

"Aw, a dog in a fanny pack," I said smiling, he laughed slightly, "is he a small dog, or a big dog?"

"I can just about hold him with one arm now," He answered.

"I'd expect you to have a big dog, because you a giant human, and that would kind of level out the proportions, but no you have a tiny dog," I started ranting, "and it's one of the most adorable things I've ever seen."

"What about you? Dogs or Cats?" He asked me, "Please don't say neither."

"I have a cat named Niss," I answered, trying to find my phone in my bag, then pulling out a picture.

"What's with the name?"

"It's my cat niss," I said straight faced, "I'm hilarious."

"Not as funny as me," he said flipping his hair. 

"Eh, anyway, I guess I should go, and let you sleep before the shows," I said glancing at the clock considering it has been a while, it was 4:30 to be exact. 

"Nonsense, we should walk around the park, I want some freedom before I have to do my job."

"Okay fine," I put both pairs of skates in my car, "the park isn't that far from here, and should be a nice walk."

We started walking in complete silence, it wasn't awkward, it was...

Comfortable.


End file.
